Dead but still Breathing

Everyone knows that change is hard. When I went back to work and gave up playing tennis, it took forever to adjust to the role of working mom, but I did it. I was a working mom with a set routine, the house was running the kids were fine and Oren and I were okay, or so I thought.

No one prepares you for the changes you'll have to make after a major illness. Once I was able to sit up and walk a straight line (which was a major accomplishment) I was really excited to be able to just get a load of laundry done. I was really surprised how happy I was at the little things I could get done during my recuperation.  Of course I had Mom here, so if I had over done it, she was there to back me up.Some days the only thing I had the strength for was taking a bath. Then it was back to bed. Other days, I could do more. Anyway, I took all my little accomplishments and put them together as my little basket of goodies....something to be proud of...I could do it!!! Then it was time for Mom to go home.  She had, after all, been away for two months tending to me and my family.  She needed to get back to her life and I was better. She left and I was alone. Unable to drive, stuck in the house with a lot of time to think....probably too much time.

It was then that I realized that even though I survived, a part of me had died.  I wasn't sure if I'd ever get that part back. I was different.  I wasn't the working mom any longer. I was a sick, stuck at home mom who couldn't even hug her children until they showered after school.  I couldn't go out for fear of catching something because my immune system was so low. So I sat all day, mostly sleeping and playing on facebook, waiting for the kids to get home.....but this was the drill for the longest time.....especially for the two youngest...as soon as they got home, it was straight to the laundry room where they stripped off all their clothes and shoes.  They then proceeded to take showers, put on fresh clothing and then they could come meet me in my bed and tell me about their day.  You see, I didn't know this, but virus' such as H1N1 can live on your clothes for long periods.....a kid coughs on your child's clothing, the germs stay active on the clothes!!! Scary!!

So there I was, stuck at home, too sick to do anything, couldn't drive, couldn't go anywhere for fear of catching anything and taking every precaution possible and the H1N1 starts running through the Lafayette High football team. The numerous doctors I had seen by this time, including the infectious disease doctor said it was imperative that I NOT get the H1N1 but that my system could not handle the vaccine and a bout of the flu could kill me....great!! So we vaccinated the young ones for the flu and started my oldest football player on Tamiflu even though they usually don't do that for preventative measures. It was extremely scary. He got it anyway and had to stay away from me. So now, not only was I stuck in my house, in the evenings, I was stuck in my room. My sweet husband would Lysol everything in the house.....but I'm losing track of what I wanted to tell you.....
 
It was during this month of not being able to drive and being alone, that I realized that part of me died. I could no longer play tennis and I was no longer a working mom.  My head hurt so badly and my memory was so bad that I couldn't even remember what a stay at home mom's responsibilities were.  It was a very sad time of my life.  I kept thinking, if I could just get back to work, I could get back to me. I even talked to my boss about working at home doing.......but I couldn't remember the word I was trying to tell him, so he decided that maybe I just needed to get better and not worry about work.  But it plagued me.  I HAD to get back to work. It was the only way to get back to ME. I didn't like this new me. The new me was anxious and scared all the time.  I couldn't make any decisions without consulting Oren. That's not me. I was sooo different.  My doctor wanted me to wait til the first of the year to even attempt to go back to work, but I was stubborn, I had to go back.   So at the end of October, when I was able to drive, I went back to work. Slow at first. Just a few hours a day, every other day. I did that for a couple of weeks and it was back to full time.  Surely this would help me get back to myself.....the only problem was my doctor was right, I really wasn't physically or emotionally ready to go back to work.  Everyday I would cry all the way home.  We needed me to work, needed the money, but it was killing me. On top of the stress of working, I had a problem remembering that I was responsible for feeding my family.  I would get home from work and we would sit around resting and about 7 pm one of the kids would say, "What's for dinner?".  Then I would realize, crap, I'm suppose to take care of that!!



I remember in December, Oren surprised me and took me to New Orleans for the weekend. I was so excited about going, but when we got there, I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety! I was so scared, we couldn't leave the loft for dinner...I would never be me....I would always be this anxious, freaky, scared little girl. Thank God Oren is such a good man. I wouldn't have made it without him.

Then a new friend who deals with people with long illnesses, said that going through a sickness like this is just like going through a death. You have to mourn and go through the grieving process.  I got lots of really good advice from so many good friends but none as good as the advice I received from Fr. Blessing. 

I went to meet with him hoping that he could give me some in-site as to how to get back to myself!! So I told him the whole story and ended with "I just want to be me again".  His response blew me away. He said maybe you're not suppose to be the person you were before.....maybe this is God's way of giving you a chance to recreate yourself......hmmmmm. He stated that Oren and I had always agreed I'd stay home with the children, but I went back to work. While at work, I had a hard time coping with not being at home, when I finally resigned my self that I was gonna be a working mom, I got sick and had to be off work.  When I went back, I had a hard time adjusting, crying all the time, my boss and I were not getting along, then I got laid off. Maybe I wasn't suppose to be at work and I was missing all the hints God was giving me. He said some people have to be hit with a ton of bricks before they learn the lesson.  Apparently, that's me!!!

Oren says he likes the new me better than the old me. He says it makes him feel good to feel needed. So I've decided that I'm gonna follow Fr. Blessing's advice and use this time to recreate myself. Maybe that's the good that's come out of all of this. It's kind of exciting......wonder who I'll be???