Flashbacks & Headaches

If anyone would have told me that an infection from a tooth could do this much damage for this long, I never would have believed it.

The worse part of all of this is the never ending headache. I open my eyes every morning to a piercing headache on the top of my head at the crown. It lasts all day long and is there when I go to bed at night. I have had every test known to man including a nuclear scan of my entire body....nothing. No explanation. All we can do is treat the symptoms. The more activity I do, the worse it becomes. So, each day I have to decide if I want to play tennis, can I bare the horrible headache that will follow...some days you just have to, otherwise the illness wins. I don't like losing.

I was also not prepared for the memory loss. It saddens me how much of it I've lost. Even when I'm reminded of something, it's quickly lost again. It's like there's only so much room in the filing system in my brain. Fortunately, I have wonderful friends and family who are willing to remind me of the important items I need to remember...the rest, oh well.

Flashbacks......I wasn't told until recently that when you suffer an illness as severe as I had, you tend to get post traumatic stress disorder. That was a real shocker! It wasn't until I got laid off in March and was home more often that the memories of being sick started flooding back. I'm talking about the months and days leading up to my being hospitalized. Now that I'm remembering, I'm glad I had forgotten it!!

One example is the bathtub. Out of the blue one night while taking a bath, I remembered how awful I felt in July when I took a bath. I love my baths. Even the subtle movement of the water was enough to make my head feel so weird. I use the word weird, because there is no other word. Dizzy isn't correct. It's like it would make my brain want to pop. The problem with these memories is that you don't just get the memories, you get the scary, awful feelings along with them. The first time it happened I thought I had lost my mind.

Then there is that fateful Monday. That day when I couldn't go to work and I kept passing out. I remember talking to my sister in law telling her how strange I was feeling and that something was really wrong, but this was early in the morning, before things got out of hand. Around lunch I made it to the bathroom and passed out. Every time I tried to sit up, I would pass out. I remember lying on the floor thinking that I was going to die on the bathroom floor and that no one would find me til that evening. I had my cell phone, but I couldn't dial. Why? I tried to text, but I couldn't! Would I die? Was this how I was suppose to go? I wouldn't get to tell my children goodbye!!! Would they know how much I loved them? Would they remember me? I remember worrying about Nick, he wouldn't be able to deal with this...and Alex, so tenderhearted...how would he survive!! And Bella, my wonderful, unique girl, I wouldn't get to see her grow up. I was dying...God please help me!!

Then I was at Lafayette General. Oren's talking, it's not right.....I'm trying to speak....can't you hear me....can't you see that I'm trying to talk!!!Anyone!!! It was so frustrating.....my brain not processing this. My mouth not working!!! I'm scared.

Its Tuesday. I'm home. My head's going to explode. Can brain matter come out of your ears. Harvette is here. She's putting heat on my neck, ice on my head. She has medicine for me. I'm drifting in and out. I can hear her and Oren whispering. What are they saying???? Doesn't matter.....so glad she's here. I want my Daddy!! Why can't he be here.....Where's Mom.....I need Melissa!!! Somebody please help me!!!

Wednesday. I'm in Lourdes hallway waiting for spinal tap. It's so loud. Doesn't anyone see me? Can't they tell I'm in pain. Oh God, please help me...my head hurts so bad.....I think they forgot me....I want my Daddy!! How can they leave me here. I'm getting my spinal tap, someone said MRI....what??? No, No I can't do that! My head hurts too much!! I cannot take the knocking of the MRI, no one gave me pain meds. Please don't make me do this. A shot, thank you Jesus. It's helped. I'm sleepy.

These are the things I remember. I'm crying as I type it. It was so scary. When the memories come, so do the emotions....I wouldn't wish this on anyone.